I am a middle child and spent my younger middle child years partaking in mischievous middle child things.
My proudest and arguably most base accomplishment came at the tender age of 5, where I devised a plan to release my noxious gasses into my hand and approach classmates to smell the “amazing flower perfume” I borrowed from my mother’s vanity. Ah, the look on someone’s face when they voluntarily smell a fart-filled hand… there is nothing like it. I spent my waking hours setting up inescapable traps like these and lay in wait for gullible little humans to succumb to my schemes. There was a fine line between what I did and bullying - and that fine line was a fart.
I have since repented for my ways, and it’s been years since I have tormented another human with a fart-filled hand, barring my husband of course. I tell this story because I liken the fashion industry to my former middle child ways. They plot and plan, creating unwearable style traps, lying in wait to see what gullible little humans might fall into their ploys – the ultimate bully. So from the mind of one prankster to another, I offer my expertise, dear reader - how to not be trapped by some of their absurd trends and style schemes they hope for you to fall into.
Trend Trap #1: Bike Shorts With Blazers
“The bike shorts were worn with blazers by many style-savvy showgoers this fashion month. Offering a fresh blend of sportswear and tailoring, the look was both striking and chic. Of course, while it may not be appropriate for either the office or the gym, the outfit is perfect for strutting the streets or attending Sunday Brunch with your best friends. So, don’t be afraid to try it for yourself.” (Top 10 Fashion Trends from Spring/Summer 2019 Fashion Weeks)
I think most people look confused in this ensemble. Are we biking? Securing a client? Biking to a location to secure a client? It just doesn’t work for me. It will come and go in a matter of months.
There is a slight tweak to this look that is a bit more wearable and classic. To best describe this look, I take a page from the singer of the 90’s band Cake who sings about the ideal woman’s wardrobe: “Short Skirt and A Long Jacket” Duly noted. For this ensemble, I have paired a boyfriend-style blazer that hits below my hips with an embroidered mini skirt. This outfit is the ultimate formula for balance. While the mini skirt is fitted and short which works to elongate the leg line, the boyfriend blazer’s roomy cut adds contrast and structure to the ensemble. Ditch the bike shorts and save them for your mountain biking excursions. This ensemble will go the distance with you for years to come.
Trend Trap #2: Boiler Suits
“Utilitarian designs appeared in all the major fashion cities throughout this fashion month. Of course, one particular style stood out from the pack. Originally designed as a one-piece protective garment for manual labour, boiler suits are now as fashionable as they are functional. To rock the look for yourself, just pick the cut and colour that suits you best. These long-sleeved jumpsuits are available in a variety of fantastic styles. So, you won’t be short on choices.” (Top 10 Fashion Trends from Spring/Summer 2019 Fashion Weeks)
Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t want to look like a professional Teletubby or Homer Simpson in his power plant in broad daylight. I politely decline the invitation to wear boiler suits.
One thing I do love about this look is that the singular color creates one unobstructed leg line, which gives a woman the illusion of a leg line that goes on for days. Don’t go for the boiler suit - instead go for an all-navy or all-slate gray ensemble with an understated necklace. You will win the mile-long leg line award without appearing like you just came back from the graveyard shift at a nuclear power plant.
Trend Trap #3: Head-To-Toe Tartan
“Leopard wasn’t the only popular print for the Spring/Summer ’19 show season. Tartan also appeared on the streets of New York, London, Paris and Milan. Of course, in true fashion week style, the traditional print wasn’t worn subtly. It was donned all over in eye-catching colours by the fashion pack. Want to try the look for yourself? Pick up a tartan suit, jacket or pair of pants that features the classic pattern in unique and bold colours, such as red, blue, green and yellow.” (Top 10 Fashion Trends from Spring/Summer 2019 Fashion Weeks)
This pattern oozes all things Gwen Stefani cirque 1996 No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom album. I remember watching her prance around the stage in her crop tops, orange county washboard abs, and red tartan pants as my 12 year old self gazed in amazement, and wondered if I too would find abs if I pulled apart the two congealed jelly rolls that made up my stomach.
While the fashion industry may encourage you to throw caution to the wind and be decked out in a blazer and pant tartan ensemble, I fear that if you go all in with tartan, you will look like you are going to an adult pajama party instead of dressing like a stylish self-possessed human sauntering around town. To prevent this from happening, I encourage you to either choose the tartan top or bottom and wear it as the “hero” piece of your look. Ease slowly into the pattern, or you may just look like granny’s missing winter throw blanket. For my look, I kept it simple with a pair of straight legged tartan pants and a fitted jumpsuit underneath. The key to this outfit is all about balance. Since the pants are not form fitted, the figure-hugging jumpsuit will highlight my waistline and bring symmetry to the ensemble.
Trend Or Trap?
Tired of being pranked? Me too. When it comes to the fashion industries hottest trends for the season, remember you have the right to call “Shennanigans!” While I will never be a believer in the longevity of bike shorts or a head-to-toe tartan ensemble, a few tweaks and modifications will allow you to wear elements of these styles for years to come.
And when you’re off sauntering about town in your stylishly balanced outfit, remember: don’t smell any strangers' hands.
