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Surviving My First Booty Call

Updated: Jul 31, 2019


My first booty call happened at the 12 Oaks Mall.


The east wing of the 12 Oaks Mall was home to a cesspool of aspiring reality TV stars who moonlighted as retails managers. If you listened closely you could hear them ruminating on their close encounters with fame, like what it was like for their cousin’s cousin to almost secure a collaboration with Sisqo, the charismatic poet who penned the thought-provoking lyrics to "The Thong Song.” Most memorable was the story my retail manager told me about her trials and tribulations as she toured with The Black Eyed Peas before bowing out to the slower pace of the retail world. Not having the ability to dance, sing or play an instrument, she unabashedly let you conclude what her talents were used for. One look at the east wing of the 12 Oaks Mall and it was obvious entire paychecks were squandered on tanning beds, hair bleach and exorbitant amounts of Muscle Milk.


I clearly did not belong. But having spent the past four years in the non-profit sector divvying away portions of my soul for the greater good, there was nothing I wanted more than shallow meaningless work - and the east wing would more than fit the bill.


I landed a coveted position as an assistant manager and was ruled over by a 50-something, bleached-blonde, rust-orange-skinned, high school dropout by the name of Tammy. She coached me daily to mimic her sales acumen, offering me her immortal mantra of ancient wisdom:


“Just, like, be like me, like... you know, a mini me."


As I went through the rigorous training to become Tammy's mini me, I was also commanded to find sexy shoes that would allow me to stand hours on my feet without the slightest bit of wincing.


That evening, I scoured the mall and got my first booty call. Specifically, a low-heeled cowboy bootie calling for me from the store window. While “low heel “and “cowboy” do not immediately conjure thoughts of raw animal sex appeal, this was my best attempt at sexy comfort on short notice. They were tight in the ankles but potentially comfortable enough to manage an eight-hour shift on my feet. The next day, I suited up with a pair of thick socks, my new cowboy booties and the determination to master Tammy’s regimen to become her “mini me."


These booties were magical. Somehow with them on, I could do it all: achieving sales goals, managing disgruntled employees and keeping tweens from shoplifting. Three hours in and my feet didn’t ache nor did my ankles pinch.


Eight hours in and it was a different story. Suddenly, my ankles were on fire and the tops of my toes felt as though they had been freshly seared by the falafel shop next door. My thick socks rubbed against my toes and my tight foot bed, and by the end of the day I had sustained third degree burns. Everything was on fire.


I ripped off my socks and waited barefoot at a coffee shop for my husband to pick me up. And in true dramatic fashion, he had to physically pick me up and carry me away (cue soundtrack for "The Body Guard"). I was literally burned by my poor fashion choice and spent the next three days laying on the couch wondering how thick socks and tight boots could have incapacitated me. During these three days my mobility was reduced to an infantile state as I resorted to crawling to get from one room of the house to the other. My proudest moment came when a day of crawling proved to be hard on the knees and I had no choice but to lay out like a Lincoln Log and graciously roll myself to an adjacent room. These three days marked the golden age of my sexual prowess.


My booty call had back fired. I chose the wrong boot and was paying dearly in the currency of burned toes and dwindling sex appeal for my choices. At the time, sexy comfort seemed to be an impossible endeavor. But you don’t have to follow in my regrettable footsteps and be burned by the call of a bootie. There is a messiah among our midst, a toe-savior if you will. When it comes to sexy comfort, there is nothing comparable to the Leigh Suede Shootie from Crocs. I know what you're thinking. But I assure you, this is a bootie call you won’t regret.



A Load of Croc


Crocs originated as the original boat shoe with holes drilled on their tops and sides for air flow in anticipation for misty terrain. They are made of resin, an airy foam which gives them the super power of being both light weight and waterproof. Their original shape is reminiscent of a traditional clog, but its resin formula put Crocs in their own league of comfort and unparalleled ugliness. So ugly, in fact, that entire Facebook groups like "I Don't Care How Comfortable Crocs Are, You Look Like a Dumbass were created to discourage the masses from purchasing them.

Fortunately, Crocs have come a long way since their resin clog years and have mastered a tailored and structured bootie to pair with comfort. The Leigh Suede Shootie is a master of disguise, offering an angled feminine silhouette in genuine suede that no one would believe is an actual Croc. This bootie offers an incomparably soft and supportive foot bed that gives you the ability to prance around all day without the slightest bit of wincing. With a modest three-inch wedged heel, it will give you a reasonable amount of height without compromising comfort. If you are required to be on your feet all day and would like to look adorable in the process, this shoe will do it all without a blister or burn in sight.


Booty Call At Work


The magic of this croc beauty lies in its thoughtful suede composition and lace up design. The suede offers effortless femininity and elegance that is appropriate for the office, while the laces work to bring balance and a touch of casual sensibility to the overall look. For a chic office look, I like to pair the tan version with a pair of black Editor Pants from Express and finish the look with a collared button up and neutral bomber. This look oozes femininity and power without compromising comfort.

Late Night Booty Call


The Leigh Suede Shootie can be anything your wardrobe needs it to be. If you are looking for a chic casual look for a night out with your friends, wear these black booties with a cuffed skinny jean and peek-a-boo shoulder hoodie. While the hoodie will conjure feelings of comfort and athleisure, your refined suede booties will bring balance and tie your look together with a bit of tailored feminine flare.


These Boots Were Made For Walkin’


Ladies, the working world asks our bodies to be machines. Not only are women expected to work hard all day and somehow look effortlessly polished without a hint of wincing, many women are on their feet from 9-5 and then have to magically keep that going when they get home to their families. In stressful times like these, you can’t fault a lady from taking a booty call – how else are her poor feet going to last? Just remember that not all booties are created equal. Take care of your feet and they will take care of you.



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