Updated: Jul 30, 2019
His name was Benny and what happened between us that evening is unspeakable. No amount of Tums or cold showering could undo or expel what transpired that night. It was a frivolous idea, innocent in nature and never intended to come into reality. And yet there we were waiting anxiously in his car, completely overrun by guilt and utter elation for what we were about to do. I don’t remember much of that evening, but I do remember the exact words that led us down our fateful path:
Welcome to KFC, can I take your order?
Benny: Yes, I… sorry, I mean... “we” will have the 12-piece fried chicken meal and no sides.
Window: No sides?
Benny: Correct, no sides. And instead of the sides, do you think you can triple fry the chicken?
Window: Sir, we double fry but it’s rare. We never triple fry because the skin falls off at that point.
Benny: (mouth gapes open in excitement like an anime character) …Yes, that’s what I’ve heard. Can you just treat a third round in the fryer as one of our “sides”?... I can wait.
Window: (insert righteous judgment and minor disgust) …I’ll see what I can do.
While our peers spent Friday evenings at house parties experimenting with boys, girls and the wonders of alcohol, Benny and I wandered the aisles of a 24-hour Walmart in search of the perfect queso dip to accompany our thrice-fried chicken. Our experimenting was of a different kind.
I wish I could go back to that evening and tell you exactly what happened and what triple fried chicken dipped in queso tasted like, but it ended as quickly as it began. I woke up in a pool of my own drool next to an empty container of fried chicken and the lid of a queso can. Benny was gone. I was alone. And no one would ever know of our drive-thru transgressions.
Unfortunately, the exorbitant amounts of sodium from genetically engineered chicken and queso dip caused my legs to swell and mind to numb, making the seemingly simple task of pant wearing and formulating complete sentences impossible. I spent the rest of the day roaming around my home in what can only be described as a fat hangover.
I tell you this wild tale of drive-thru indulgent escapades because I don’t believe in justice. An unadulterated evening of ingesting fried chicken skin and processed cheese dip should not preclude you from looking your best the morning after. How often have you reduced your wardrobe to sweats and oversized clothing as punishment for when you feel less than ideal about how you look? This should never be the case.
It’s been years since my evening with Benny. But through him, I discovered the marvels and repercussions of all that a drive-thru window can offer. Whether you are like me and go on the occasional fast food binge and wish your body would keep your secrets or you would simply like to look thinner without actually losing weight, I have some instant style hacks that will help you appear as though you shed 10 pounds all before your next meal.
Slimming Style Hack #1: The Monochromatic Medley
Monochromatic style involves wearing the same color from head to toe, creating the illusion of one unbroken line and seamlessly drawing the eye to a long silhouette. When it comes to achieving this style, there is nothing simpler and more obvious than shrouding yourself in an entirely black, monochromatic ensemble. Unfortunately, you also run the risk of being stalked by strangers for cucumber water while simultaneously being patted on the back for your unspeakable loss, as this bears an uncanny resemblance to the wardrobe of restaurant servers and funeral patrons alike. We can do better.
The jumpsuit effortlessly gives you the benefits of monochromatic style without the hassle of being mistaken for a restaurant host. Constructed with a singular color, you will create the illusion of a continuous and lean silhouette line by simply zipping up this bad boy for the day. Without a distracting pattern or second color on which to fixate, the eyes can easily travel from your leg line to your neckline, unobstructed.
✓ Singular color creates illusion of a continuous and thinner silhouette line
✓ Showcases and exposes the neckline
✓ Tapers in at the waist
Dangers of the Monochromatic Suit
I don’t care how many times Solange Knowles wears a full-body magenta suit, it still doesn’t make it right. InStyle magazine will also tell you that a lime green suit is both a whimsical and brave choice for this season, but do not engage with this tom-foolery. While monochromatic style is undoubtedly slenderizing, selecting tops and bottoms of identical colors like these makes you vulnerable to appearing like a towering and formidable summertime fruit depending on your color of choice. We can do better.
Monochromatic top with complimentary bottom
A top that is within 2-3 gradients of color in comparison to your bottom creates a slight contrast without breaking the long line of your silhouette. While you may know the difference, the observing eye does not. A few varying gradients of color still fall into the same color family and maintain one continuous lean line for the eye to follow. When selecting a top, choose a v-neck line as it will expose and elongate your neck. And if you opt for a patterned top, choose a singular print that incorporates a neutral base as the pattern will mask your midsection’s indiscretions without distracting the eye from the continuous silhouette. For the bottom, go with a form-fitting skirt to highlight the leg line, further elongating your frame.
✓ Varying gradient of color creates contrast while maintaining a long silhouette
✓ Patterned top works to conceal midsection indiscretions
✓ Legs appear longer with form fitting midi-skirt
Slimming Style Hack #2: Accessorize Your Frame
Accessories are typically one of the last things that come to mind when thinking about trimming your frame, but they are one of the easiest hacks out there. While there are a host of rules when it comes to what kind of accessory to wear when you are trying to camouflage a specific body part, those rules are intricate and hard to retain, especially if you are coming out of a fat-induced hangover. When the complications of other accessories have led you astray, know that you will always be able to call on the faithful, long layered necklace, provided it sits below your bust line.
The Long Layered Necklace: Your Bosom’s Buddy
When it comes to creating the illusion of a longer and leaner frame, the layered necklace that sits below your bust is your bosom’s buddy, regardless of your body type. The necklace rests along your collar bone and drapes below your bust line, helping to guide the eye down a vertical path and lengthen your frame. And when the eye travels up the necklace, it helpfully highlights the majesty of your collarbone, which is surprisingly ranked as one of the most beautiful body parts from both men and women alike. Consider your style hacked!
✓ Instantly draws the eyes toward a vertical path
✓ Elongates your frame
✓ Draws attention to your radical clavicle
Your Clothes Are Your Friend, Not Your Enemy
Maybe the idea of thrice-fried chicken has captured your food imagination as well, or maybe you thought it was a bit too much. I’d understand either way. Regardless of your guilty pleasure, remember that your clothes can actually work to help you forget the morning after instead of shaming you out of your style!
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